Internation Women’s Day – How we are falling short

 

“I am not buying into Men have had their time, let Women take over. That is the WRONG MESSAGE.”

 

Beyonce's message was widely well received... "Girls" may well run the world if it has to come to that.

Beyonce’s message was widely well received… “Girls” may well run the world if it has to come to that.
Picture source: http://tinyurl.com/cswfzjb

 

Recently I have been mulling over how the passionate side of me needs to find more expression. I feel so much so much of the time and I realise it is a tool and a means for me to express myself and move into this world.

 

After coming across the following blog (http://www.movetoendviolence.org) that asked the question on how we may still be falling short in the rising movement to stop violence against women, I decided to answer the following. And what I have also decided to do is to commit myself more to the cause, to truly engage with the world even if it takes a lot of energy and even if I might be rejected, disappointed and hurt at times. I have decided I need courage. I need to be true to the story of my heart and live it.

I hope that you will too because that is what we all need. The world needs you to live the story of your heart.

 

So “Where are falling short?  What have been the unintended consequences of our work? Who has been left behind?”

In answer to your question Monique Hoeflinger

 

“Where we are falling short is in the engagement of Men on this movement, the drilling in to them that they are the key that can unlock the last door of stubborn resistance and ignorance. The realisation that they are missing out by not joining in this rising and potentially risking yet another shift of power that will be out of balance too for their lack of involvement in it.

 

I am not ignoring the men who have already taken a stand and are being brave right now. I love them and feel better for knowing them and I am blessed to know a few. Still they are too few. How to take power away from those who have possessed it for so long, especially unhealthily so, is not going to work without pain, war and struggle unless they really get why it has to change and how exactly they will be better off. Yes they need an incentive! I am not saying that because I believe men are greedy, selfish and uncaring. I am thinking that many are hiding, possibly in shame and guilt, not knowing how to come out of it, even if they have not personally committed any crime or taken part in doing what we are fighting against. Their own kind has and that’s enough to feel guilty. They represent Man. They may not know how to express themselves without revealing their vulnerability to the point of losing their masculine pride. Not know how to stand strong in this issue without having massive projection weighing them down.

 

I know that standing strong is of utmost importance to them. It’s important to us all but a man who feels he cannot stand strong is a man who feels he can’t be a man, that is the way He has been taught.

 

Many men may not know how to refuse what seems to them so freely and widely given that they see women as the ones to blame and the ones to do something about it. Some probably don’t even understand why women moan because women are playing the very game that they can walk into. Not knowing how to resist, understand and control the many temptations given to them that appeals to their primal basic selves. Not knowing how to look up to women because that knowledge has not been passed on for while and because many of their mothers did not live in an empowered way, so why should they look up to them? Men need a whole new education and who will they listen to? Men more so than women, their peers because their language will be slightly different to ours and that is what they need to hear.

Do we really think this is about who is strongest? Do we not understand the true strength is in our differences and what we bring to each other? Picture source: http://tinyurl.com/c3retzx

Do we really think this is about who is strongest? Do we not understand the true strength is in our differences and what we bring to each other?
Picture source: http://tinyurl.com/c3retzx

 

How can we make Men understand that their co-leadership is needed and that this will take them to new unprecedented levels of power, power that will be respected and revered by sheer will and inspiration rather than force. How to replace their current power with one much healthier and steadier and one that will complete them, complete us as a species. How to reassure them that there is a better way and that with this better way they do not lose out, they gain! We have had Women vs Men, Men vs Women for too long and it is still going on too strongly in my opinion, we must come together and find the genuine self interest for each party. To us, women, it might be obvious, but to Men? Well I am not so sure it is yet. I am not buying into Men have had their time, let Women take over. That is the WRONG MESSAGE. That is not what we need, a world run by Women may well heal and solve current big issues we are facing but it will be out of balance yet again and there will be painful and damaging consequences to that. We want Men to be strong, strong in a new way.

 

Where we are also falling massively short is with our hold on the media and corporations, which is non-existent, and this constant subliminal feeding of women as object, particularly sex object, even child-woman as object, men as object too but the latter unsurprisingly at a much lesser extent. Every day growing young men are faced with the message that women are there for them in “that” way, for sex, there to be the sexy presence. It is impossible to quantify how deeply in the cells it goes when you have grown up with it.

 

Reinforced stereotypes: Is this how it has always been? or is this how it has needed to be for a very specific agenda? Picture source: http://tinyurl.com/cbxnm9q

Reinforced stereotypes: Is this how it has always been? or is this how it has needed to be for a very specific agenda?
Picture source: http://tinyurl.com/cbxnm9q

The quality that is most drilled into to our young boys and girls! when it comes to girls and women is how good they can look! Not motherhood, not friendship, not sacred giver of life, not beauty all round, not feeler and giver, not weaver and story teller, not connector and protector, not fierce goddess and warrior and so much more… Just how She looks and how She can seduce!

 

I remember watching an advert recently in America about toy guns for boys, target audience probably 7-11, boys enjoying themselves but suddenly at the end of the ad a girl, (looking fairly older than the boys in the ad) all fantastically made up and revealing of lot of skin with tight commando shorts and tight top revealing breasts and naked muscly tummy, appears and bang this seals the advert! I was gutted. Appalled that this somehow passed approval somewhere. I don’t have a TV and I don’t watch TV often, this was at a friend’s house and I was sat next to my friend’s 13 year old son. Of course boys would want that gun, but subliminally they will remember to want that girl in the advert too. This has got to stop and it is a typical consequence and feeder of the engrained culture that we are trying to rise up and away from. What also has to stop is women themselves postulating for those jobs, women themselves accepting and glamorising that lifestyle as though there is nothing better in the world, women accepting their face and body to appear in magazines knowing full well it is not the real them but a carefully reconstructed picture that looks like them. Women lying to themselves. I know that many of these women are simply responding to the education they have been given on what success and popularity for a woman is. It doesn’t make it any easier for me to accept and not feel betrayed by own kind.

 

The work women are doing is beautiful and so needed, and every day I am grateful that I am part of this awakening, AND there is so much more to be done, so much more people, let’s keep on…

 

I believe, I dream, I hope and I love.

Fan”

 

 

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Please note: The Route To Love Mentoring Programmes are not a replacement for therapy. If mental illness is suspected please contact a health professional for proper diagnosis and care.

© 2012 Route To Love Ltd

How Route To Love Came About

Fan at a superkidz empowerment camp for the Total Learning Academy, Yangon, Myanmar (previously Burma)

“A simple decision to commit to the best of yourself and care about your being here changes everything”

Fan

It is 5th October 2012 today and Route To Love is officially launching. I thank my friends and connections for the feedback, the likes and the gorgeous comments I have already received, keep it coming & flowing, I promise to keep smiling! :-D

So as it’s officially launch time, I’d like to tell you a little more about the story of how this came about.

Around 6 months ago I had reached a kind of plateau in my life. It was threatening to stay flat and depress downwards. I had just come back from 6 months overseas where my husband and I did some teaching and coaching at a village school in Northern India (GGMCS, Buwan Koti Trust). Our time there saw us do a round of other schools & colleges where we gave workshops & lectures about the importance of personal development in modern education. It was a buzzing time like the times over the last 2 years when I was acting coach in San Diego at the Youth Leadership Summit and again in Myanmar for superkidz & teachers empowerment camps.

I came back from India feeling I had achieved quite a lot in my life and therefore could not quite connect together the feeling of satisfaction with how tough the task ahead looked! Now I was back in the UK for some time I needed to establish some form of routine. I have left behind my corporate job career back in 2010. Since I have been learning about life coaching, youth coaching and mentoring as well as training to become a facilitator in Shadow Work. All absolutely fascinating suff that I just love.

I knew I did not want to get yet another meaningless job. I say meaningless to me. My view is that no job is meaningless. Almost everything serves a purpose and serves someone. I wrote a blog entry about that and I promise to share it another time. But I had done my time doing jobs just to earn cash and not following my heart and passions, putting them on hold because I had to pay the bills. I did 9 years of that and one thing is for sure: I never ran out of bills to pay! I believe 9 years is a lot even though it is probably less than most. Of course I did learn things from all those years and I am grateful for everything today. It is part of who I am.

At last I knew it and I felt it. It was time. It was time to take myself seriously. By that I mean, it was time to properly invest in myself, in my passion, my life, my reason to be, my dreams!

One morning whilst I was checking my inbox I received an email from someone I had been following for a while via newsletter & social media. Her name is Kate Siner Francis and I recommend you check her out if you would like to bring your vision to life, especially if you want to be MAD – Make A Difference. Her email said: “Let’s connect”. That’s it. I know it was aimed at all of her subscribers but for some reason it struck me and I replied saying: “Yes let’s do it!”

Here I am today after 6 months of gruesome and awesome journeying with her help as my mentor, I am a lot clearer as to my direction, my voice, my purpose in life and my passion. I am launching my mission today and I know I am only at the very beginning. I am in it for the long run. It means the world to me. Knowing where I am going, what I am doing and looking forward with excitement and I feel ALIVE and filled with buzzing energy. I owe Kate a great deal. Not money because I gave that to her and it wasn’t really for her, it was an investment I made in myself.  I owe her the biggest debt you can only repay by paying it forward. I am in a debt of eternal gratitude to her for living her purpose, fulfilling her ambitions to serve others and do her bit to make the world a better place, for making a difference to people’s lives and for doing what she loves and being freaking awesome at it. I owe it to her and to all those who have supported me in my quest to now do that for others, for you all and all who come my way. It is a way of life and I am happy I finally get it: I know what to do!

Let the journey begin, put all of my heart & will power into it and soar!

 

When I look at my childhood, teen years, my time as a young woman and my current initiation now into mature womanhood; there has been one continuous experience, fascination and…passion that has always fuelled me more than anything else: Relationships and Love. At times this journey has been pain, at times real joy and mainly all of the time – the most important influence on my personal growth. This today is my work, my life and my way to contribute to a better world. I want to see a more loving world because I believe all can be healed with the power that Love is. I believe this power is still untapped for a vast majority of us.

Route To Love invites you on that journey of exploration to discover how you can use Love to better yourself and your world. And you’re welcome to join me!

YES Let’s connect – Let’s do it! :-)  (click her to find out how Route To Love works)

To join the community and keep in touch with Route To Love’s latest developments & offers, please enter your name & email address below:

We respect your privacy

 

* First Name
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Please note: The Route To Love Mentoring Programmes are not a replacement for therapy. If mental illness is suspected please contact a health professional for proper diagnosis and care.

© 2012 Route To Love Ltd

An Interview About Route To Love (in full)

Fan, about her clients:

“I guess it isn’t really orthodox to answer using negatives and say that my clients aspire to ‘less pain’ and ‘less suffering’ but it’s true!
They aspire to more pleasure and fulfillment in their relationships and they also want to live a life that is line with their values. They want more from life than what they are currently looking at…”

 

NB: Every individual is unique and often comes with a unique set of circumstances. The facts mentioned below may or may not resonate with you. To find out how I can help you and what you might need to know please CLICK HERE to get in touch.

Interview:

1-  When do you feel most connected to Route To Love?

All the time! I’m doing it and I’m being it!

This work is my life, my practice. I need this work for myself and my relationships with all others, as much as I enjoy offering it to others. Some of the concepts that I cover in my work I carried from childhood to now.

The difference is, today I have found a name for it and created a system to share what I have to share. I feel amazingly blessed when I know I am doing my bit to positively contribute to this world in what I believe is an empowering and paradigm-shifting way.

 

2-  When you think of the people you have helped with Route To Love, what are the common worries they have been having?

The common themes are that my clients are either frustrated with themselves or with something or someone else. It could be their partner, the people around them or their work situation. The other ways it manifests are:

Itchy feet, wanting change, wondering if something is wrong with them, lack of passion, lack of fire, lack of direction, feeling stuck… These are only a few examples amongst many other forms this work tends to take.

Many of my clients have a lack of clarity about what is going on. Very often, there is a lot of fear or frustration at not being able to communicate what’s going on in a way that really conveys how they feel. They often say: “It’s complicated”!

They are often stressed over a situation or are just overwhelmed in general. Sometimes, they are hurt or suffering from significant down spells. Often they need to talk that out and they need to be deeply and adequately listened to.

Some of my clients have been healing from a recent trauma, or something that has happened to them, and they are coming against frustrations about how to move on. This is where mentoring works best; when they are ready to move forward or do something about their situation.

 

3-  So what are your clients frustrated about?

The common frustration is that they want something from someone, from life or from themselves and they don’t know how to get it. As a result they either feel there is something wrong with them, or they feel like they’ll do it or get there someday but right now there’s a lot in the way.

Some examples are:

• They feel frustrated about the fact that things just can’t quite change or happen quickly enough.

• They lack support.

• They are stuck in a particular situation knowing full well it is not where they want to be, but somehow they can’t get out of that situation. They either feel stuck in a cycle or cannot seem to find the power to change it.

 

4-  What are some of the words that they use to describe how they feel after you have worked with them?

They feel a sense of relief for discovering that they have more answers and power within than they previously thought they had! They have more clarity, more direction and they feel empowered to take the next step at the very least.

Because I make my clients think, they feel more self aware. I help them connect with themselves in a way that they never quite have before.

I often hear that something seems to have shifted but they don’t quite know how. (Whereas I do…*smiles*)

 

5-  What are they scared of?

They can be scared of many things. It it is scary to make changes because that will impact their loved ones and their environment. It is also scary for their comfort zone… I call comfort zone the hidden enemy, for example:

They are scared of failing at what it is they are trying to achieve. They are scared of judgments, fear rejection. They feel inadequate in approaching important relational situations in their life.

If we look deeper, they may be scared of facing some of the pains they are experiencing; sometimes digging into them is necessary but it can be, understandably so, a scary process.

Sometimes there is a fear of finding out that they might be wrong. I’d say one of the common fears is being scared of facing and taking on the responsibilities they know they would have to take in order to get what they want.

It is difficult to go it alone and it is often why they would need some extra help and support. Ongoing mentoring can be the missing piece when they are willing to invest maximum efforts.

 

6-  Who else in their life is affected by their worries, fears & frustrations?

Well everyone really; everyone around them at varying degrees depending on how well they succeed in controlling themselves, how well they manage to hide or cope with what’s going on. It is quite common that the people closest to them are the ones who take the brunt of the real life consequences that their worries, fears and frustrations generate.

They might feel strongly about asking friends or family for help and that’s a good thing. Friends and relatives are usually eager to help and asking for help is a major shift forward. However in my experience there are times when you need very specific help; the type that is less emotionally attached to you and trained to facilitate the exploration of values, needs and the blocks that are in the way.


7-  What are your clients controlling? What are they hiding from people?

Their frustrations, their fears, their worries that we have just mentioned above. The feeling of shame is often around and this can lead to incongruence or tendencies of split personalities. Their closest friends or family members may see them in all their vulnerability, and then see that same person acting completely differently with other friends, colleagues or strangers. It is common and often misunderstood. Shame can make us behave in strange ways. A good dose of Shadow Work can help to understand and deal with shame.

 

8- What might your clients be seeing in the people around them?

This is a tough one. Really, they can never truly know because authentic communication has often ceased in difficult times or has simply never really been present in certain relationships. Chances are they experience a lot of conflict or a lot of distance with the people around them.

From my perspective, I’d say people close to the client concerned probably feel those frustrations, those worries and fears too on some level. The people affected sometimes get impatient. They wished they knew how to help. Sometimes they have ceased seeing the good side of that person, the happy side because those concerns, those fears are so apparent and life consuming. Sustained compassion can be very difficult and I know that from personal experience. This is why getting themselves a mentor is more than a wise choice, it also releases pressure and expectations on the people around them.

 

9- What are some of the symptoms that someone might have when they need your help but maybe don’t know they need your help?

I can list them! There is always a limitation of some kind. They might experience the following:

• Stress     • Trying but to no avail     • Feel comfortable yet uninspired       • Not enough money     • Not enough time     • Feeling like they have no choice     • Lying to others because it is difficult to be truthful and openly share their own vulnerability     • Blaming something that can’t directly be changed: i.e. work, boss, past, society, family…

Sometimes symptoms can be more insidious and might translate as:

• Lack of energy     • Low self-esteem     • Shyness     • Recurrent conflicts with others     • Discomfort with silence     • Uneasy in social settings

Sometimes it can veer towards or hide within any number of medical conditions or chronic conditions. For example it can be clinical depression. It is important at this stage to stress that I am not a doctor nor a therapist.

What I do know is that the medical field often overlooks and clearly lacks in wholesome approaches to individuals’ plights. I will not take on any clients who are in a situation where they feel or advised that they cannot try to get the best out of life because of their medical conditions. I recommend that any suspicion of medical condition be medically assessed and medically attended to. Sometimes this is where it ends hopefully not eternally for some.

However whilst Route To Love is not a replacement for therapy, I can certainly take on clients who have some energy and are willing to try to get the best out of themselves despite their medical conditions. As a result their medical condition does not define all of them. Sometimes just making that shift can help them feel better. I want to again highlight that I do not claim to help any medical condition, I merely want to help the individual part that can still function and have dreams, ambitions, goals or things to work towards.

 

10-      What are your clients desperately trying to avoid?

LOSS. They might have lost friends, trust in themselves, they might have lost their life partner, sense of belonging, sense of self worth, a love for life. The hidden enemy resurfaces: they might desperately be avoiding to lose their comfort zone! At worst, some may have thought of suicide or have had an unsuccessful attempt to. They have turned the situation against them so badly that they are really convinced there is something deeply or badly wrong with them. Again speaking from experience; when it gets to this stage I plead them to get help, whichever way to start with; movement is vital!

Some people may just feel a sense of emptiness and they’re avoiding being alone. They want more fulfillment and there is a fear that they might not be able to achieve it.

Sometimes avoiding boredom and silly mistakes that could cost them dear when in fact just the spice is missing and getting a little help on that is a very worthy thing to do in my book. ;-)

 

11-      What’s the very worst that would happen if they didn’t get your help?

I trust that ultimately the right path would show up for them. My guess is that they would carry on with whatever is going on until they seek help. Or carry on that delusive relationship with with the hidden enemy: the comfort zone that is not so comfortable. Seeking help is not a desperate thing to do, it is taking active responsibility for yourself and what you want.

They might even give up, say bye to Love. :-(

Or maybe, they decide to take a path of continual denial and refusal to deal with the situation. This results in continual conflict within and around them, possibly affecting other people’s lives in a hurtful and/or unpleasant way. They might choose to entertain themselves with the help of drugs or other means to forget about the creeping life and aliveness inside of them.

In my view the worse thing would be to give up. Point blank give up.

 

12-      So the people that you have helped, what are they hopeful for?

A chocolate pancake… “laughs…” no… I used to run a Café making pancakes and I am pretty handy at making them.

It’s different each time in the details. The greater picture often is to get closer to Love. I know it sounds flowery but I am talking about essence here.

I can’t list all hopes but to give you an idea I would say my clients want improvement in those areas:  purpose, relationships, life work, results/achievements, self-care, communication, connection, fulfillment, intimacy, understanding,  friendship, openness, trust, conflict resolution, empowerment, support and more. The key is they must DARE TO! and work with me. :-)

I root the essence of my work to Love. It’s always about Love somewhere & somehow.

 

13-      If they’re honest with themselves, what are they a little bit over-optimistic about?

I would say they tend to be optimistic about how quickly things ought to change and how quickly things should happen. Yes change can happen fast sometimes but just like plants and food growing in nature don’t exactly speed up because we want them to; relationships are the same and so is anything to do with ‘live’ consequences. Just like thoughts and stories can grow very quickly in one’s mind, and yet, sometimes the realisation of them seems to take a lifetime!

It is quite natural for change to take longer than we imagine, it is often the journey towards change that is the most rewarding experience in the end. However with dedication and will power changes can be made sooner than you’d expect and rewards can be immediate. A support system like regular mentoring can make a big difference to achieving results faster and consistently.

 

14-      And how many of their ‘wants’ or desires are their own? And how many of those have they borrowed?

Usually my clients will have ideas of what things should be like in their ideal world. Sometimes when working together we find that they haven’t necessarily connected with their values before. Sometimes there are inherent values that can be almost unconscious and taken for granted. Unwittingly they are ignoring or have depreciated their core values. This is important and it is a very common mistake. Sometimes it is also worth looking at those values in deeper ways to see whether they still fit their current self and/or situation.

How does that happen? Well I tend to think that part of our desires are borrowed ones that are based on values heavily advertised everywhere we look or consistently ‘recommended’ from family or other influential circles. I think we all have those to varying degrees. But you see our own desires and ‘wants’ are often based on what it is we know and have experienced. Therefore sometimes even those ‘wants’ and desires come from a limited knowledge of what is possible.

As a mentor, when working at the root level of their being, I encourage my clients to realise that they can want anything and achieve anything, but it is not always enough to want it badly. It’s a multi-dimensional journey with many layers of complexities. That is why I recommend structured and ongoing support.

When it comes to relationships in particular, I believe it is through them that we get to know who we truly are. It is often why relationships are challenging. They hold up a screen where you see where you are at. Sometimes the screen needs refreshing, just like those ‘wants’ & desires.

 

15-      What do your clients love? Really truly and specifically what do they love?

I think deep down they love life actually. Or at least they want to love life and enjoy love. It sounds simple but I know from experience, it takes some doing!

I want to talk about what they want to finally enjoy loving. Why? Because when it gets difficult to love something they are wired and sometimes born to love, because of the circumstances they find themselves in, quickly the very things that they love become a heavy load or become their shadows, following them no matter the distraction tactic used!

I believe my clients want to enjoy loving their own company, their gifts, their talents. They want to enjoy success in their own definition. They want to enjoy loving their family, partner and friends. They want to have more self-love without jeopardizing it, de-prioritising it or even feeling guilty about it! They want to start taking themselves seriously and by that I mean they want to listen to that calling from within, and I absolutely honour that! If they don’t who will? They just have so many reasons, life experiences, arguments and challenges that get in the way and very nearly makes them go the other way, and give up on a good life and fulfilling love, or at least delay it. The bad news is no one is going to stop them doing that.

The reason they come to me is really because their natural instinct is to want to experience love and love life, to want to be loving and to want to be happy in love and life. Maybe they come to me because they have seen and been inspired by someone who loves life, loves their work and have found meaning & purpose, loves people and smiles a lot. Maybe because they have just attended a wedding and totally reconnected with a seed buried a while ago. So they get a calling to re-ignite that spark.

I see nothing wrong with that, on the contrary this is how we are meant to help each other. I often say there is a reason why there is more than one of us on this planet. If we were meant to go it alone, we would be alone. Engaging with another is how we grow. Engaging with me is how my clients grow and move from where they are now to where they want to be. I urge them to engage in whatever way suits them with life and love.

 

16-      What exactly is Route To Love?

You know more than anything it is a journey. Sometimes this journey will take the form of a workshop, a retreat, a mentoring programme, a coaching session and more. Ideally I encourage people to make a long term investment in themselves by seeking ongoing support, so that they can make the significant breakthroughs and take the significant actions to get to where they want to be.

I would say it is a threefold approach: Find your vehicle – Understand how it works – Get on your Route To Love.

 

So if someone wants more info about your programs what do they do?

I would invite them to fill in this consultation form and send it to me, click HERE to see the form.

Alternatively any questions can be fired at connect@routetolove.com though I would ask that they please be respectful of my time and that they book a consultation with me if they are serious about working with me.

People can book a session with me directly by clicking HERE.

 

*Interview conducted at George Hardwick.com

 

 

 

 

Please note: The Route To Love Mentoring Programmes are not a replacement for therapy. If mental illness is suspected please contact a health professional for proper diagnosis and care.

© 2012 Route To Love Ltd